1.
And so I write...
And so I write, because
nothing else can free my soul like the words painted in black, but they are
though in red, bloody red.
I love red, and I hate it
all at once. It makes me mad and it makes me passionate.
But now, as the hole in my
chest begis to open again, a hole filled so long ago, that I thought it never
existed, I fall on my knees again, the same way I swore I would never be again.
Because I dared to think
love could be magical and pure and true. But like everytime, I was wrong.
Love was never made to
enjoy, love was made to suffer.
And so I suffer for the
love that’s burning in my chest and it’s burning me alive, because the owner
won’t take it, he wont stop the fire, he wont give me peace and he wont let me rest.
He is not mine. He never
was.
But I’m his, still.
This ashes on the ground
are his.
This hole in my chest has
his name.
Only this time, I wont fill
it. I Will let it consume me. Because love was made to suffer. And if that’s
all there is, then i’ve loved truly, and I’ve learnt the lesson I was given a
thousand times. Never to love someone else again.
Forever burned by the sun.
2.
Maybe I'll just sing abou
it...
All songs belong to him,
the lyrics, the melodie...it's a neverending playlist of one story after the
other. All of them, have him as the leading actor.
But there's one song.
That's not his. The one song, I'm praying it would save my heart.
Is there is life, after the
sun?
3.
About love.
I've never felt love like
this before,
the kind that leaves you
blind to everyone but him,
leaves you short of breath,
and burns you inside.
A love so pure and honest,
that no matter what,
it always seems to win me
over.
I thought I knew what love
was,
but the truth is,
I've never knew really knew
what love was,
till I met him.
He's got a smile that could
light up this whole town,
and has a way with words
that leaves you breathless.
And I can only love him
from afar,
I can only imagine what it
would feel like to be held in his arms.
And I can only wish I was
the one for him.
I'm not sure about many
things in life,
but what I do know for
certain,
that my heart found a
reason to beat.
And that reason is him.
4.
No one put that gun on your
head…
Everything looks grey when
he’s not around.
Colors seems to know when
he’s gone, they lose their shine.
It’s amazing how his
presence can change the mood of the room just as fast.
And I live for those short
moments, the void before he appears and the wholeness he brings along with
himself.
And I know, I know, I know,
he’ll never be mine, so unreachable in this life. And in the next one, and the
next one to that.
So I write about him, because
there is no inspiration stronger than him. And If I have to spend my life
writing about the owner of this thoughts, and feelings and this poor lost soul,
then I will do it gladly.
5.
The boxer and the fight.
There’s nothing more
heartbreaking that the thought of letting him go.
Every line sounds like a
goodbye somehow, all the time.
So we’ve said goodbye a
thousand times, in such a short time. Most times it only happens in my head.
He breaks and unbreaks my
heart, over and over.
And I let him, because I
know that he needs it somehow. Like a punching bag I stand right in front of
him, and let him tear my feelings apart. I know I'll always lose this fight,
but that doesn't stop me. Nothing does really.
It may show him, that after
all,
I’ll still be here when
there’s nothing and no one left.
6.
Remember, remember, one
night in november.
I remember the beach and
the starry sky.
There was nothing like it
never, and there will be nothing like it again.
I remember the feeling of
the sand in my hands and my shoes.
I remember the cold night
air, and the rush of the quiet waves caresing the shore.
And i remember him, half
drunk, half real.
I remember his laugh and
his eyes shining in the night.
I remember his hand when
he’d help me stand up, stronger than the river and equally cold.
Like no one ever dared to
grab him. His hands.
He was everything I dreamed
and he was just that, a dream and a perfect moment.
I could never erase the way
the bridge light up that night. Nor the way my heart felt, about to explode
with every movement he made.
And his laugh that echoed
in the emptiness of the beach, and the river was just ours.
There was no one in the
world except us.
Now, everytime I go to
sleep, I sleep in that memory, knowing that I can relive it endelessly in my
mind.
7.
An avid student.
And every day I find new
ways to love him in the distance,
Because god knows, loving
this man is an art.
Sometimes is as easy as
breathing, and sometimes is like walking on thin ice.
But loving him, to me, is
like studying my favourite subject, and I love to learn.
Because he always has
something new to say, and only him can make the boring things sound like the
most interesting subjects in the world.
He’s a teacher and my mind
is just a very avid student, who’s yearning for every lesson he gives, even the
sad ones.
And I’d tought I knew much
about everything, but next to him I know nothing.
Next to him, I’m just a
white paper on a first day of school, wating patientienly to be drawn by him.
8.
In a galaxy far away.
And I’d choose him.
Over and over.
In this life and the next
one, and the next one to that.
I’d choose him in this
reality and on the parallel one.
I’d find him in any galaxy
and I’d choose only him.
I’d choose him with all his
flaws and mood changes capable of causing earthquakes all around.
Because it’s always been
him, I just didnt know it.
9.
The distance between
No matter the distance I
try to put between him and my mind, it's useless.
He's everywhere.
The distance between is
full of him.
I can't stay away and I
can't think straight.
And the more I try to push
him out, the more he takes hold of my mind.
I know at the end I'll
surrender to him, like every night, I lose the battle, and let him take over my
thoughts and my heart...well, my heart never fought in the first place.
And I've discovered
jealousy in his shadow.... When someone dares to touch him, or hug him, I SEE
RED.
And hell holds no fury like
mine.
But at the end is just sad
envy, because everyone seems free to feel him while I die to hold him even just
for a second.
And jealousy is a new and
scary feeling for me.
It’s fire like I’ve never
felt before. And it’s a flame that is starting to burn very dengerously inside.
10.
The storm inside.
And just like that, his
voice quiets my head,
He has got that ease in his
tone to calm the storm inside my thoughts,
like a beacon deep within
the sea,
he gides me, without
knowing,
and I’m safe again on
shore.
There’s peace at last.
While he’s around.
But I know he’ll leave
again,
like he’s here in borrowed
time,
I’ve got this constanst
fear,
I feel like he could
dissapear anytime...
11.
The Window.
He looks at the window, and I look at his back.
And all I can feel is this intense urge to hold him from behind.
And all I can feel is this magnetic field that pulls me to him and that I come to accept that I will never be able to break it.
No matter how hard I try to understan it, study it, and research it, I will never know how this feeling can be so strong no matter the distance and even time can't seem to erase it.
He looks at the window, and I look at him from behind. He doesn't know that I'm there, and he doesn't know I'm still waiting for him patiently, to come back to me.
